Secrets and Dirty Words...

Can any of you relate to this? I know I can. It has been my life for well over a year now. Mine would say, "Dear, Beth I know you are scared. You are NOT handling this at all. It started so slowly that I cannot really nail down exactly when it started. Started slow and kind of kept creeping in little by little. I remember asking myself why I was so tired. I just thought I was extra busy and not sleeping well so it made sense. It slowly turned into exhaustion on a sickening level. I was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. Of course, I could come up with some reason for all of that. I am a perfectionist and have OCD so I was physically worn down. I was dealing with numerous medical issues and surgeries so it made sense that mentally I was breaking down. I am not, and never have been, a "feelings" type of person so because of everything going on I shut down a little extra. So on I went wondering what was going on but finding every reason under the sun to validate it. Then, I started to not enjoy doing the things I love. I didn't find them beautifully, amazing anymore. I literally enjoyed nothing yet forced myself to move along like life was fine. I was fine. Does that sound familiar to anyone? The good old "I'm fine" statement. It all comes down to one nothing special kind of day. I was sitting on my couch watching a show that I cannot even recollect and it came to me like I should have (or did) know all along...I was depressed! I was severely depressed. Then, the thoughts came flooding in overwhelming me like a massive wave that takes you down and then another...and another until you cant catch your breath. "What in the hell is wrong with me"? "Get yourself together for God sakes"! "What do you have to be depressed about"!? "You have a beautiful and blessed life"! "You are pathetic and selfish. Other people have way more going on than you". "You are an embarrassment to yourself and your family"! I could go on but I feel like you get the point. That is the "Secret" part of this. There was absolutely no way I was going to tell anyone. I could fix it on my own and no one had to know and think how weak I was. So again, I went on with life or basically went through the motions. Miserable and unhappy every second of everyday. I didn't even tell my husband. I look back on that and how selfish that decision really was. He knew something was wrong and just tried to make me happy. I was irritable and agitated. He bore the brunt of most of that and that made me feel even worse because I knew it wasn't fair. There is a quote I read that said, "Keeping secrets is no different than lying. Both are equally dishonest". So now I was a liar too. I kept this secret and why? Because, to me the word depression was a dirty word. A word that made me feel weak, ashamed, embarrassed and confused. It was something that took my personality and turned it upside down. It was something that mocked my inner strength and made me feel like a victim of sorts. Well...I'm obviously not ashamed anymore. Here I am...writing and telling whoever reads this that I have MDD. MDD is Major Depressive Disorder. My husband clearly knows and of course is supportive and my rock. I found an amazing therapist who has helped me so much in such a short span of time. It's a work in progress. It's not an easy fix. You have to work hard and it's an agonizing, emotional process but it is so worth it. I will be blogging more because there is just so much that goes into all of this. If anyone who reads this has any questions or just wants to talk please feel free to contact me anytime. If you are reading this and you feel like you need help please do it now. Contact someone immediately and get the help you need. You do not have to be miserable forever. "When the world says, "give up." Hope whispers, "try it one more time."